i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize