Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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