8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm both gender and math confused
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
