If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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