If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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