Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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