sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
