she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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