oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
