This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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