My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
