remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
