I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
