I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Dear god my vagina.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
