we have pet lesbian snakes
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
