I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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