So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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