woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
