I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
