I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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