i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Shame is for Republicans.
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