So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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