I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
