"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
