if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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