I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
