When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
a search helicopter?!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
