White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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