we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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