Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
