pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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