so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
