she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
