I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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