I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
