did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
