how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
