I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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