if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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