Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
