Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
