Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
