Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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