Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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