I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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