I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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