Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
