One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
