they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
