Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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