the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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