So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
