can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.