Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
