I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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