she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
How's work?
Spinning.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
