Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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